Something has been on my mind lately...something that is so controversial that no one really wants to talk about it, and anyone who does has to be prepared to get an earful. It's hard to believe that this is even a topic of "debate", but people really do have strong feelings, one way or another, regarding what I am going to write about. Nonetheless, I think it's something that needs to be said. And it's something that needs to be said by me.
I'm fat.
And that's okay.
Let me head off the first droll remark I can see coming. "You are not fat, you have fat. Just like you have fingernails, but you are not fingernails." Whether I say "I am fat" or "I have fat", it really does mean the same thing, right? We all know the point I am getting to here. I hate semantics for this very reason, because someone wants to correct what I say instead of just letting me say it, and then dealing with what I am saying.
So, let's not lose the point of my train of thoughts here. I am fat. And THAT'S OKAY!
Body acceptance is a touchy subject for me. I, personally, have been taught since I could remember that there is only around 3 body sizes that are okay to have. "Small", which is preferable. "Medium" which is expected. "Large" is pushing the limits but is generally accepted to a certain degree. Other than that, if you don't fit into those three categories, you are a BAD PERSON, societally speaking, and obviously fair game and a fair target for ridicule, jokes and you MUST hate yourself. I have never actually been in the "small" category. Even at a "medium", I look rail thin. I have been blessed/cursed with big boobs, so even at my smallest size that I am comfortable at for me, my tops are a medium or large, depending on the cut.
Among your friends and loved ones, you are not allowed to say you are fat. "You are not fat!!" is something I have heard, time and again, from my kids, my husband, my friends, and anyone trying to be nice. In all fairness, "I'm fat" is said by me with a hint of self deprecation, and often in a mocking tone to suggest (read: confirm) that I was making fun of myself. But let's face it. I am fat. And, as of today, that is okay with me.
To ward off the second argument I can hear coming, I would like to say I believe in health, and I have to admit I have not been living healthy. I haven't exercised in a long time, and I eat way more than my fair share of junk food and fast food because it is convenient. I sit on the couch, at the table or at my desk too much. I don't drink enough water. And those things need to change. Let me be clear...Those things need to change. But, as has so often played out, what happens when I change those things, and I am still fat? Maybe not AS fat, but still fat by societal standards. And the line between "acceptable fat" and "not acceptable" fat levels is murky and gray and vast.
Society and the media tells us that is you are pushing above a size 8, you are a.) fat, b.) not beautiful and c.) ridiculous for thinking you could be beautiful. At this point, I would love to be a size 8. Which is a good medium size for me, but still on the larger end of the spectrum generally speaking, and therefore only tolerated.
I have felt awful and ashamed almost my entire life because I was not/am not/and can not be a petite waif like many of my friends. I have scrutinized myself, glared at myself, yelled at myself and despised myself based on the number that showed up on the scale that morning. I have abused myself because I am larger than what I feel should be. Quite honestly, if I spoke to a child the way I speak to myself regarding weight, I would be picked up and jailed for verbal and emotional abuse. Really...I have been just awful to myself.
But the thing is, I am lovable and beautiful and smart even as a chubby/larger woman. I have only recently become convinced of this. My cooking tastes as good whether I am medium or extra large. I bend over backwards for my friends and my family and especially my kids no matter what. I am HI-larious after a bottle of wine. I am genuinely concerned about the welfare and well-being of my loved ones. I write just as well. My house is just as clean (or not clean, depending on the day)...I have just as many kids, and I love them just the same. I stand up for just as many underdogs and I fight just as many good fights for equality, justice and freedom for all...I do all these things whether I am bigger or smaller. The "me" doesn't change. Who I am is who I am, and dropping a few pounds, or shrinking a couple of pants sizes isn't going to change the way anyone views me. And at the end of the day, and at the end of my life, I doubt my funeral will be full of people saying "RIP Sam...she was fat." I mean, maybe people will say that, but I would like to think that more people will be saying "RIP Sam...she was a great friend/wife/mother/cook/wine drinker." And THAT, my friends, is what matters. THAT is who I am.
I can be beautiful. My husband thinks I am beautiful. And, at the end of the day, that's all that matters, right? I can be deserving of love and affection and give those things right back where I am now. And, I am not into size bashing ANYONE...but there are some who think that bigger women are sexier than smaller women, just as there are some who think that smaller women are sexier than bigger women. Heck, we are ALL women...and that's damn sexy, period. And it is high time we as women stop tearing each other down, especially on physical appearance. It's dumb and it's hurtful and we are all better than that.
I *do* need to focus on my health, and get back to exercising because it's good for my body and mind and soul...not necessarily to decrease in size. I will drink my water for proper hydration, and I will eat healthy wholesome food because it will extend my life and I will feel better...not because it gets me to a goal size or weight. If that happens, fine. But it's not my sole purpose anymore, because what happens when I bust my butt and then hit a plateau and the scale doesn't budge? I quit exercising. Well, now, it's no longer about losing weight...it's about being healthy, whatever that looks like for me.
At the end of the day, dear reader, if you are fat or if you have fat, however you want to say it, it's okay. You are still a worthy human being. You are still lovable and the likelihood is that no one is going to care or even remember if your jeans were a size 2 or a size 18. Whether your teeth were crooked, or if you had split ends. They will remember you for the quality of human being that you are. And "quality of human being" doesn't have a size or weight limit.
Until next time,
XOXO
Sam
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